Today I went to see my OB/GYN. It was that lovely time of the year that every woman looks forward to, but I was excited. I was excited to see her because it'd been about 2 months since my last visit with her for my post partum checkup and I love her. She is a great doctor and was supportive in every way possible before, during, and after my pregnancy.
I've been thinking a lot lately about all the things I'd do differently next time around. I know its still giving birth when you have a cesarean, but part of me is so sad I won't ever have that pushing experience. I asked my doc today about the possibility of a VBAC and she was not receptive to the idea. I know there are a lot of women out there who'd tell me to go for it and find a new doctor, but I love my doctor. I trust her opinion. I believe that she has my best interests at heart. So I think, even though I have no intention of getting pregnant for years, that I need to realize that a VBAC probably will not happen. I had this vision of laboring and pushing and then being handed my baby and feeding him. I guess this gives me time to mourn the fact that things will probably never happen that way.
I think its natural for a mother to blame herself for almost anything. I blame myself for Ryan's stay in the NICU. For his breathing issues at birth. For breastfeeding not working out. For almost everything. I feel like had I not been induced, maybe all of that wouldn't have happened. And maybe it would've. Who knows. Learning to live with guilt, real or imagined, is something all mothers go though.
I am a planner by nature. The thought of being able to schedule my child's birth excited me. One of the reasons I agreed to being induced (aside from my doctor's recommendation) was that I didn't want to be sitting at home for another week or two on maternity leave waiting around for him to be born. I wanted the maximum amount of time possible with him before heading back to work. So when she said we should induce, I was happy about it. Sure, I'd read the horror stories of pitocin and the statistics of the likelihood of a cesarean due to a failed induction but I thought that surely that wouldn't happen to me. Oh, how naive I was! Knowing what I know now, I think I would have asked her about just waiting a little bit longer. I don't think he was quite ready to join the outside world.
I wish I could tell other moms or expectant moms that the guilt goes away. But, much like worrying, it fades and comes and goes in waves. I think the best any of us can do is just try our hardest to be good moms. If that means that my next child is born via cesarean, then that's what's best for us. For some moms, the best for them is an natural, unmediated birth. What's best for one isn't always best for another. That's all that we can hope to give, our best.