Thursday, March 24, 2011


The question was posed:

Which do you regret more? The things you've done or the things you haven't done?

For me, it's the things I've done. The choices I've made. There's still time for the things I haven't done, but I can't undo the things that I have done.

I think I've questioned more decisions I've made in the last 10.5 months than I have in the entirety of my life. None moreso than the details surrounding the birth of my son. Looking through pictures today, I came upon this one:
Disregard disgusting arm stretch marks. The picture brought tears to my eyes. I think it was one, if not the first, time I got to hold my baby. And the look on his face. It's as if he's saying, "where have you been? what took you so long?". I didn't get to see him for quite some time. At the time, it didn't seem weird to me. I didn't know. And I take some comfort in my ignorance at the time.

But that face. He was waiting to see me, too. I was the only person he knew in the whole wide world and I wasn't there. He was alone in a bed with people poking and prodding him and I wasn't there.

That is what I regret.

I know he's fine now. I don't think our bond was permanently damaged. But it still hurts.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Baby Mama

So I'm sitting here watching Baby Mama with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. How have I not watched this before?! As interested in surrogacy as I am, you'd think I'd have seen this, So far, 20 minutes in - thumbs up.

Things are going well. Last weigh in, I lost another .5 lb. That brings my total to 11.5 lbs. Since I met my first weight loss goal, I got my first reward - $50 to spend however I wish. I chose to get a fancy manicure with a new polish called Shellac. It allegedly lasts two weeks. I've had it about 48 hours and so far, no chipping. It actually cost $45, which is pricey for a manicure. But so far, I love my flashy red nails.

Anyways, nothing new is going on. Work is crazy. It's almost over, and I keep telling myself that in only a few more weeks, Peak will be over and we'll all be in the money. Plus, baseball season starts soon and in 2 months - I'll be on vacation! As for now, just getting ready for the next consignment sale. It'll be my first time participating as a consignor. I didn't realize I had so much crap to get rid of! And none of it is clothes. So I'll be dropping that off next Thursday and get to shop next Friday! woo hoo!

Otherwise, we're quietly going about life, each day passing like the one before.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

I'm beat.

Work is crazy. I knew going into this that there would be a handful of late nights from January to April. Well, here we are smack in the middle of it and I am counting the days down to when we're done. I worked over 12 hours on Friday and Erica and I are meeting back up at the office tomorrow, too. I'm trying to rest since I know that this upcoming week will be a long one. Only a few more weeks to go!

Today I had the pleasure of meeting up with my long time best friend, Kelli, for some yummy pancakes and consignment sale shopping! We met super early at Ol South Pancake House in downtown Ft. Worth and then headed over to Will Rogers for the sale. There were clothes as far as the eye could see and I'd say 25% of what I bought still had tags on it. I also got my mom a Fisher Price Learning House, the same as the one we have at my house, because Ryan loves it so much. Other than the clothes and the house, I bought two pairs of shoes. It was a good time and I was back on my side of DFW and home with my boys by 1.

Since I was so tired from getting home late last night and leaving before 7 this morning, I was ready for a nap and after playing with Ryan and squishing him to pieces because I've missed him, I crashed and slept for two hours. I realized how little time I've gotten with him lately. I worked late twice this week plus super late on Friday and then there will be tomorrow. I miss him. It was nice to just play with him today.

A dear friend of mine lost her young child last week and I'm reminded of how insignificant my problems are. And how fleeting time is. Ryan woke up from his 2nd nap today a total crab and was ultra clingy and whiny, but instead of getting frustrated with him, I sat with him and cuddled him and tried not to roll my eyes when he got mad that I adjusted my seating position. I know I won't have much time with him in the long run. He'll be 10 months old next Thursday and the last 1o months have already flown by. I look at pictures of him and see a little boy, not a baby. I know he is still just a baby, but the pictures I took of him today are like a window to the future. It's exciting and scary at the same time.

To end on a positive note, both Paul and I have met our first weight loss goal of 10 lbs. I met it this past Friday and Paul actually met his goal 2 weeks ago. Next goal is 10 more lbs. One day at a time! I'm watching Pretty Woman. The beginning of this movie is the best part.