Sunday, December 5, 2010

Kind of sad and a little bit angry.

I've been thinking about breastfeeding lately. Yes, that again. Many of my online friends have babies who are just turning 6 months old. 6 months is a big milestone for breastfeeding. So I'm hearing a lot about it.

I'm just still so disappointed that it didn't go as I had planned. I'm sad and angry and jealous of these women who find it so easy, so second nature. My friend at work came back from her maternity leave last Monday. Her daughter is almost 2 months old and she comes to work with her breast pump and talks about how much easier it is to just feed her daughter straight from the tap rather than pump. Neither is easy. Pumping is hard work. I can't help but be jealous that it's just so EASY for her. A couple of rough weeks and now it magically works just fine. No pain or anything? It just is incredible to me that some women can just do it.

I've self diagnosed myself with IGT (insufficient glandular tissue). It's a condition in which women don't have enough glandular tissue to produce any or enough breastmilk for their child. Ryan latched fine but my body just couldn't produce hardly any milk for him. They say the pump isn't a good judge of how much milk you're producing. My baby would cry after eating and before eating and even when I'd pump, I'd be lucky to get an ounce out of both breasts combined. I am so mad at my body. I don't understand why it can't just work properly.

I wanted so badly to breastfeed and even now, I wish that I had the nursing experience I had hoped for.

I have one of the healthiest babies I know. Ryan has never been sick, is happy and certainly very healthy. I know formula was the best choice for MY family and I don't regret it. I couldn't be one of those mothers who insisted on breastfeeding while watching their child continue to lose weight because of what I wanted. He's a happy, healthy baby who is growing every day and changing right before my eyes, so why can't I accept that my nursing experience was brief and challenging and it's okay to move on?

I love my son. I love the fact that I am not the only one who can feed him. I love that I don't have to pump and I love that he doesn't need to be nursed to sleep. Realistically, I probably would have quit nursing and pumping by now anyways. I guess I'm just having a hard time since I'm reading about fellow mothers who are still nursing and going strong. I'm jealous.

1 comment:

Kelli said...

I've wondered about IGT myself. It certainly makes sense. There was a "Breast is Best" billboard right by our house during October that I wanted to throw rocks at. You definitely did the right thing in feeding Ryan, but I share those feelings of jealousy with you too!